Practise.

Do you ever go through life wondering if you have been in that particular situation/place and mind set before?

like you have been frozen in time and even the smells are nostalgic? 

everything around you is moving slowly and making you feel like this has all happened already?

some days, I won't say most because that would be too much, but some days are so like this it scares me.

I can be out with my kids and ill pass an open window on someones house and I can smell the furniture polish,the washing powder &even the faint smell from where they have hovered that morning and suddenly all those smells take me back to a memory I'd have rather forgotten about.

You stand exactly where you are for that split second because you can't always put your finger on where it was you were all that time ago..then it floods back.

Its not always bad, it doesn't always fill you with dread, sometimes you smile and remember that what had happened that day had been happy or fun, it starts with a flash like the smell of the washing powder then you delve in deeper, Where do I know that smell?..asking the questions to find the memory stored away safely in your little black box.

My little black box is full to the brim with fond memories, but also 32 years of memories I wish I had been able to delete from my mind.

Its not always smells that take back to a place or memory, its feelings. Dreams,emotions and dark thoughts I still discover now coming from a small solitary confinement section of my mixed up brain.

Some days, again. not most but more than some my mind is a snow globe, this is the easiest way to describe it.

Ill wake up and feel at peace, but all it takes is a smell,a song, thought or some kind of flash and thats it.

I'm shaking, its really coming down hard, like bricks are falling all around me and I am trapped inside with no way out...

Living with Bipolar,Anxiaty Disorder &Personality Disorder is literally being two people, maybe even more. The one person you want to be is stuck inside the person you hate at the hardest of times and all you want to do is reach out and ask someone to help you, to scream for them to help you escape. It is honestly somedays like I'm. possessed. You know when you watch a film and the demon inside is controlling the body like a puppet, people are trying to communicate, help and get through. the body, the face and the scent of this person. looks the same but its just not them. Thats me. that my life. Day to day, not knowing if its going to be me or 'The demon' who has moulded her self to be just like me.

She smiles like me,she does her hair exactly like me she even laughs at your jokes and smiles when you say something you think is 'nice' but its not. its not me at all, I'm simply the puppet, the host to this, the ship that every day has to carry around this 'demon' not knowing when she will appear next. Will it be because of that nostalgic smell? Will it be the song I danced to in the kitchen with mum when I was 3 or 4? Will it be because you have said something I knew was a shitty comment but you try and cover it as a joke and laugh after you know full well you have offended me, this is a normal emotion- to be offended if someone is rude or snotty toward you, anyone would feel the same, but for me, its so much worse because while I'm trying to hide the fact I am offended/hurt/angry with what you have said, while I am trying to show you and the rest of the world I am okay, I'm strong, I don't give a fuck. I DO. Well she does..

My face hides a lot. I have have learnt so well to play hide and seek within myself I no longer have to even try It just happens. But that also comes part and parcel of being a mum I think, you hide your emotions from your children to protect them.

I  became a mum at 18 so hard training was already in process, keep her quiet and keep me here for my child.

Giving your children everything and protecting them from monsters and bad guys is every parents wish, dream,goal and life long want, but it unfortunately doesn't always happen this way..mental illness or not, some kids get hurt. Some kids are exposed to things they should have been, some kids whitess things that haunt them for the rest of their lives. I was one of these kids. Now this isn't to say that my mother failed or in anyway intentionally put me in harms way or in exposure to things that shouldn't have happened.

Life dealt me/us a shit hand and unfortunately it didn't really improve for a very long time. in fact I'm not even sure if it ever did or has still now.

Don't get me wrong I've grown and I've developed into what I believe to be a good mum, a good friend, and a kind soul. one of which is trapped and used as this puppet but kind and a hard trying little puppet. One who lives to please other people, put my children before myself along with anyone I love.

I suppose other than me feeling like maybe I am a genuinely kind loving individual this could be from feeling for many years that I wasn't first thought, I wasn't number one and this position of maybe second or third came into play within many situations.

The family home, friendship circles at school, teenage relationships with boys whom I fell madly and passionately in love with ( some might say this is a 'trait' of bipolar) but generally the need for love affection and the fear of rejection played a huge part.

So I lived to please everyone who I came into contact with and I still live to this 'habit/rule' now.

Fear- People have always said to me I look like the kind of person who speaks their mind, what you see is what you get is what I would say, if I feel something ill say it, ill tell you if you have said something thats hurt me, I'm. not a malicious girl, genuine and honest,,,but I don't, I wont tell you, I won't say the words I will not tell you you have made me feel small and hurt my feelings because I can't, I can't say it because of the bricks I had earlier mentioned. because I am offended and hurt these bricks have fallen around me and built such a large wall around me I can no longer speak. not a single word, I just sit wounded while 'SHE' boils inside wanting to scream in your face.

but ill sit here, quietly in. complete and utter fear of her getting out and saying something that might hurt you.